Judas
by Aquarius Princess
Summary: songfic! Hawke is torn between two men. Sebastian, the man who did nothing but love her. And Anders, the man who broke her heart and poses a danger to them all. The decision looks simple. It's not. And at the Gallows, a choice must be made. Part 2/3 done
1. Three Times

_Hey! Thanks for stopping by and reading. Don't forget to review. And I'm accepting requests. I am always looking for a challenge. _

_I do not own Dragon Age or any of its characters. I also do not own "Judas" by Lady Gaga._

* * *

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,_  
_I'm in love with Juda-as, Juda-as_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,_  
_I'm in love with Juda-as, Juda-as_

_Judas! Juda-a-a! Judas! Juda-a-a!_  
_Judas! Juda-a-a! Judas! GA-GA!_

Hawke did not see herself as a fantastic sort of being. She saw herself as flawed and imperfect as much as the next creature be it human, elf, dwarf, qunari, etc. She was not blind to her past and what she had done. When she was living in Lowtown, it was hard to live in poverty. Sometimes she did not make enough money with the smugglers. She had to do things that she was not proud of in order to feed her family. Terrible, dirty things with men. Only Bethany knew about it and she took Hawke's secret to the grave. Now that Hawke lived in Hightown, she was able to wipe herself clean. She could repent.

Another one of her flaws was her obsession with him. The face that she saw in her dreams. The eyes that she found herself looking into. The voice that whispered through her mind. The scent that she smelled whenever she was near. The object that was constantly on her mind day in and day out. And Maker knows she hated that.

"Anders, I found something...You are more likely to make use of it than me," Hawke said, proud of herself as she handed the gift to her friend.

At first he looked shocked, but then a smile indicated that he was pleasantly surprised, "You got me a gift? I hardly think I've done anything to deserve that."

Hawke was pleased at his reaction. Anders looked down to see what the present was.

He studied the gift for a second in disbelief, "Is it a...That's a Tevinter Chantry amulet." He looked up at Hawke and asked, with a slight panic in his voice, "Do you want me to get executed? It's sacrilege to wear those in any land under the Divine."

Doing her best to ignore the sudden wave of visions of Anders getting beheaded or hanged, Hawke told him, as fast as she could, "The Divine condemned their Chantry because they freed mages from the Circle. I thought you might sympathize." Hawke held her breath, hoping that Anders liked the gift.

_Judas! Juda-a-a! Judas! Juda-a-a!  
Judas! Juda-a-a! Judas! GA-GA!_

With a smile, Hawke saw that her fears were for naught. "I like it," Anders told her. He ran his finger over the necklace and told her, "Maybe not on the outside of my clothes...I'm not that eager to face the hangman's noose." She nodded, understanding him perfectly. Anders continued, "I appreciate the thought...I never thought about what life would be like in the Tevinter Chantry." He mused for a moment before he told her, "In the Circle, they make it sound like the Void itself. The Black Divine stalking Thedas. Making it unsafe for kittens and virgins." Anders's smile made Hawke's heart jump.

Hawke giggled softly before she said, playfully, "Those kittens and virgins will just have to find a nice, strong mage to protect them..."

Anders laughed before he told her, "From what I hear about the Tevinters, that's the last thing they'd want. The virgins anyway. I never heard about any horrific kitten rituals." He frowned at the thought of his favorite animal being treated in such a way before he turned to the conversation at hand, "I appreciate the gift. Perhaps one day I could return one as meaningful."

_When he comes to me, I am ready  
I wash his feet with my hair if he needs  
Forgive him when his tongue lies through his brain  
Even after three times he betrays me_

"Oh, you never have to give me a gift," Hawke smiled. She then told him, hastily, "If there is anything you ever need, Anders. Do not hesitate to ask. You are doing good work in this clinic and for mages."

Hawke was never hesitant to accept a favor for Anders. All he had to do was ask and she would do what he needed. Rescue apostates, kill templars. It was because of him that she grew so passionate about the plight and suffering of mages.

Anders sighed before he shook his head, "No...I...promised Sebastian that I wouldn't involve you in my activities anymore."

"What?" Hawke questioned. She knew that Sebastian didn't like her spending time with Anders. But it was none of his business. He did not own her.

"He wants to protect you," Anders said, "I told him you were a grown woman and could take care of yourself. But he threatened to turn me in if I didn't promise him."

Enraged that Sebastian did this, Hawke tried to keep her cool. She took in a deep breath before she said, "I will talk to him...Maker knows what I see in that man."

Nothing was said for a minute. As Hawke went to leave, Anders started, "You know, Hawke...It's not too late to change your mind. I might not be able to make you a princess, but I could give you more love than he could. And I would certainly give you the freedom to make your own decisions."

A small chuckle escaped her lips before she turned back to Anders, "We had something...And I will always treasure it, but Sebastian is who I love. He's good to me and he treats me decently. Justice is right. Your revolution is what you should be focusing on. Not me." She started to walk out of the clinic.

_Ahh ah ah ah ah Ah ah ah ah  
I'll bring him down, bring him down, down  
Ahh ah ah ah ah Ah ah ah ah  
A king with no crown, king with no crown_

As soon as she turned, she felt a hand clamp around her wrist. She was turned around and she immediately felt the familiar feel of a passionate kiss. Hawke let out a moan as she gave into the kiss at first. Realizing what she was doing, she pulled away from Anders. "What are you doing?" she asked him, taking care to lower her voice.

"I'm not going to let you go again," Anders told her, "I made a terrible mistake."

"Yes...yes you did," Hawke told him as she turned and forced herself to walk away.

Almost six months ago, Anders had come on to Hawke one stormy evening in her home. Hawke, who had been infatuated with Anders since she met him, accepted his proposition and offered him herself. She wanted him and whatever came with him. Anders was the first man to sleep with her since her days of whoring. She almost starting crying at the way he treated her. So kind and gentle, but passionate and dominate. When the night ended, Anders had a terrible spell with Justice. The episode last for nearly an hour before Anders finally regained full control of his body. But Hawke had seen enough. She heard every hurtful insult from Justice. Sick and delusional from what had occurred, Anders left Hawke without any explanation.

As soon as he left, Hawke had dressed herself and gone to the Chantry. Sobbing and praying, she ran through the rain and thunder until she reached the building. Collapsing on the stairs, she begged for forgiveness and a cure for her stupidity. It was then that she felt a pair of strong arms pick her up. She looked up to see that it was Sebastian. He carried her into the Chantry and he took her into his room. He laid her down in the bed and simply held her hand as she cried. And there, a relationship started.

Sebastian was her Prince Charming, her White Knight, whatever name you could think of.

Anders was an abomination, a revolutionary, a selfish man who would never put her before mages.

But these cold, hard facts did not change the way she felt.

_I'm just a Holy Fool, oh baby, it's so cruel  
But I'm still in love with Judas, baby  
I'm just a Holy Fool, oh baby, it's so cruel  
But I'm still in love with Judas, baby  
_


	2. Love Is Like A Brick

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,  
I'm in love with Juda-as, Juda-as_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,_  
_I'm in love with Juda-as, Juda-as_

Each time Hawke entered the Chantry, she felt as if all eyes were on her. All eyes were on her sin and on her mind. The intimidating statue was what terrified her the most. Feeling small and insecure, Hawke scurried into the building and started up the stairs. She could hear the faint voices of Elthina and Sebastian. As she continued up, the voices got clearer. Hawke was not sure what they were talking about, but she did not listen closer. They deserved their privacy.

"Oh, Hawke, Elthina and I were just talking about you," Sebastian smiled as he took notice of his soon to be bride. Of course, this was a presumptuous stance, seeing as he had not proposed to Hawke. But he did love her and it would seem like the inevitable next step.

Hawke put on a smile as she made polite conversation with the Grand Cleric. She was always uneasy around the woman. This feeling stemmed from one night long ago. Elthina knew Hawke when she was making repentance to the Chantry for the sins she committed. She knew everything about Hawke's sins. And Elthina made it clear to Hawke that she did not feel well about letting Sebastian stay ignorant about Hawke's past. As far as Sebastian knew, Hawke was a virgin. He knew nothing of what she had done. Whenever Elthina caught Hawke alone in the Chantry, she would bring up the topic. And each time she warned Hawke that if she did not tell him, she would.

After the Grand Cleric left, Hawke smiled as she walked closer to Sebastian, "How has your day been, love?"

Sebastian sighed as he put his hands on the railing and stared at Hawke with a more heartfelt smile on his face, "My day has been better than usual...I can feel something stirring in Kirkwall. I am sure you can, too."

"...I know what you mean. All this mess with mages and templars...Just when the Qunari issue has finally blown over. It would be nice to see Kirkwall in a normal state. Then again, it is not a normal city," Hawke sighed as she looked away from Sebastian. As she turned away, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned back around to see that the hand belonged to Sebastian. Hawke fell into his touch and moved closer to him.

He removed the hand and he proceeded to wrap his arms around her. He pulled her into this hug, resting his hands on her stomach. With peace, Hawke sighed in content as she leaned back into him.

Hawke appreciated the simple things. She appreciated Sebastian's calmness. She appreciated how he did not think of her as a sex object

But she would throw them away for euphoria. She craved Anders's energy. She craved his want, his desire, his lust.

_Judas! Juda-a-a! Judas! Juda-a-a!  
Judas! Juda-a-a! Judas! GA-GA!_

What brought Hawke out of her sleep was the sound of a low growl. In her lethargic state, she recognized this as her mabari, Silver. She paid it no mind, thinking that her blissful sleep was more important than whatever her dog was whining about. As she tried to doze back into her dreamland, she heard the door to her room open. At this, Silver started to up the volume of his growl. He then went into a full-fledged bark. He barely got two barks out before Hawke heard a strange noise. It sounded like a shot of energy going through the room. Hawke then heard Silver whimper in pain and confusion before a large thud fully woke Hawke up.

Hawke sat up in her bed and tried to adjust her eyes to the darkness in the room. It was an unnecessary effort, for only moments passed before she saw a small ball of light in the corner of the room. It brought enough light in the room for Hawke to see. She looked down from her bed and found Silver lying there. He was not moving and his eyes were open and pitiful. "Silver?" Hawke questioned, concerned over her animal. The light went away, leaving Hawke in darkness once more.

"Don't worry. He is fine. I just stunned him. He'll be back to normal in the morning," was the sound that made Hawke jump. She recognized the voice at once and felt her body relax. "I told you…I'm a cat person," Anders said as Hawke heard the sound of footsteps. She heard them become louder as Anders approached the bed.

She then felt the added weight on her bed and she could smell Anders's musk. It was intoxicating. As her eyes adjusted to the dark she saw the outline of Anders's face. The face got closer as he leaned in and kissed her softly.

_I couldn't love a man so purely  
Even prophets forgave his crooked way  
I've learned love is like a brick you can  
Build a house or sink a dead body_

"Anders, stop it," Hawke told him as she moved away from the mage. But even as she said these words, she kissed him back. She smiled as she felt the sweet taste enter her. Any thought of Sebastian left her mind as she fell back on her bed. She gasped softly as she felt Anders get on top of her. And as she looked into those soft eyes, she was reminded of Sebastian once more. Yes, Sebastian. The prince. The archer. A brother of the Chantry. The man that she was suppose to love and stay fateful to. That Sebastian. Overwhelmed, she stared into his dark eyes and told him, "Anders, you have to stop. I can't...We can't do this. Sebastian-"

"Sebastian does not exist tonight," Anders told her, "We exist. I do. You do. We can be the only people in the world tonight." Hawke felt his hands on her own hands. Palm to palm, Hawke felt a twinge of electricity go between the two. Or at least, that's what she thought it was. She felt herself lose her breath as he continued to kiss and touch her. Sebastian would never do this with her. He would never break his vow for her. And she hated that.

"Let me take you tonight," Anders said, his voice slurring in a mixture of lust and affection. It was a sickly sweet sound. But Hawke couldn't get enough of it.

To the Void with Sebastian.

"Yes..." she sighed as she allowed both him and herself to do whatever they pleased that night.

_Ahh ah ah ah ah Ah ah ah ah  
I'll bring him down, bring him down, down  
Ahh ah ah ah ah Ah ah ah ah  
A king with no crown, king with no crown_

And when Hawke woke up the next morning, she would find herself alone. Her only company was Silver, who was still woozy over the events of last night. The mabari was curled up in the corner of the room, still wary of any intruder. Anders had left. Hawke could feel her heart hurt and crack under this realization. She was alone. Anders did not stay with her. She sighed as she sat up in her bed. She stretched her limbs and when she did, she saw the note on the end table. She picked it up and read it.

**Dearest Hawke,**

**If last night is an indication of what is to come, I would be the first to tell you that I warned you. I'm not a gentle man. I'm a liar and I'm a monster and I'll only live to hurt you. But no one will ever doubt the fact that I love you. I love you, I'm in love with you, however you want me to say it I will say it. But Maker help me when I tell you to get yourself as far away from me as possible. It's selfish of me to do this to you. Last night should not have happened. I was being guided by the darker parts of myself. You have done so much for me. You helped me when no one else has. I don't deserve you, your protection, or your love.**

**Desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm doing something you won't like. But some things are more important than you or me. You need to go, to be happy.**

**If that's what being with Sebastian means, so be it. If it means being with me, I'm happy that I've been granted one wish.**

**Love forever and always,**

**Anders**

Hawke smiled at these words. She ignored all the contradictions in his note as she read it over and over again. It was all she needed to feel happy and loved. She folded the note and tucked it into a small drawer before she got out of her bed. She went to change her clothes and start the day, but she was interupted by a loud knocking on her door. She sighed as she called out, "Yes? Who is it?"

She then heard Orana's meek voice. "Mistress, there are some flowers here for you."

A large jump went through Hawke's heart as she heard this news. She went to the door and opened it. As she opened it, she saw past Orana and saw dozens of large vases planted over the house. The tall white vases held large exotic plants that looked more beautiful than the next. She watched as the delivery men put down the last vases before they went on their way.

"Oh Maker...they're beautiful," Hawke cooed as she looked at the flowers.

Orana cleared her throat and brought Hawke's attention to the vase she held in her own hands. It was quite smaller and it held only a single white rose. There was a note attached to the stem.

"Thank you," Hawke smiled as she took the vase and took a look at the note. Her heart was still beating wildly. Did Anders-

And within the moment of reading the note, her heart dropped.

**Dear Hawke,**

**I hope you like the flowers. They're almost as beautiful as you are.**

**Love,**

**Sebastian.**

"Do you like the flowers, Mistress?" Orana asked. She smiled at her mistress, knowing that the usual sweet Hawke would soon gush over the gifts she had recieved from her admirer.

Hawke did not respond to Orana's question. She just stared at the note with a frown on her face.

"Get rid of them."

"Pardon me?" Orana questioned, not believing that she heard her mistress correctly.

"Give them away, burn them, keep them. I don't care. Just get them out of my sight," Hawke ordered as she took the vase she was holding and threw it to the floor, "NOW!"

Whimpering, the abused elf scurried away from her angry mistress and went to "get rid" of the flowers.

_I'm just a Holy Fool, oh baby, it's so cruel  
But I'm still in love with Judas, baby  
I'm just a Holy Fool, oh baby, it's so cruel  
But I'm still in love with Judas, baby_


End file.
